


Amends

by jeanniebillroth



Series: This Life [2]
Category: Cagney and Lacey
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Baby Fic, Fluff, Forgiveness, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-16
Updated: 2020-08-16
Packaged: 2021-03-05 22:47:50
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,726
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25943089
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jeanniebillroth/pseuds/jeanniebillroth
Summary: Seeing Donna again feels like looking into a dizzying kaleidoscope full of scenes from the past five years or so, all of them featuring Charlie, not all of them happy. The longer she talks to her, the more she feels compelled to say.
Series: This Life [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1882849
Comments: 2





	Amends

**Author's Note:**

> In case you don't remember who Donna LaMar is, please see author's note at the end.

“Chris, is that you?”

She stops dead in her tracks and turns her head. That voice. She would recognize it anywhere. And that red hair. Calling out for her from across the snowed-over green is, indeed, Donna LaMar. Of all people.

Donna waves and is already making her way over to where Chris is pushing the stroller along the freshly shoveled walkway.

"Donna," Chris nods at her when the other woman is within earshot. She watches as Donna stalks through a small bank of snow on the side of the path before she makes it to dry ground a couple of feet away from her.

Donna looks pretty much the same as when they last saw each other. When Chris walked away from her in the restaurant after making amends, or what she had convinced herself at the time would be sufficient. During six weeks of bed rest before Ella was born, and during long days alone with the baby, she has had plenty of time to think and to replay the memory of that particular evening, among many others. Looking back on it, she has to admit that it wasn't her finest hour.

“Hi, Chris.” Donna smiles as she comes a little closer. “It’s so nice to see you again. How are you?” While she speaks, Donna’s gaze moves back and forth between Chris and the stroller.

Chris begins to rock it gently by the handlebar, hoping to keep Ella asleep now that they are no longer moving. The whole point of going outside in this miserable weather was for the motion of the stroller to finally lull Ella to sleep after a terrible night and a rough morning.

“I’m alright, thank you. How are you?”

“I’m doing well. I still think of Charlie a lot.” Donna gives her a sad smile. “And I have been wondering how you might be holding up.”

Chris clears her throat. “I miss him. Especially now. Around Christmas, I mean.” She has to look away for a moment for fear of losing her composure. It’s the third Christmas without Charlie, and the first with her own child, and it’s doing a real number on her.

"The holidays are always hard," Donna says. “But you look good, honey. Healthy.” She has probably noticed the extra pounds that haven’t budged yet.

Inclining her head just so in the direction of the stroller, Donna continues hopefully: “Did you- Is that your baby?”

“Yeah.” Chris nods and can’t help but smile, heat rising to her cheeks. Why the hell does she feel _pleased_ to be telling Donna LaMar?

“I didn’t know you were pregnant,” Donna says with shining eyes.

Chris shrugs. “We haven’t seen each other in a while.”

Not since the restaurant.

“That’s true. Is it a boy or a girl?”

“A girl. Ella.”

“Can I take a look?” Donna asks.

"Sure," Chris steps aside and lets go of the stroller. Donna comes closer and cranes her neck to look inside the carriage where Ella is lying, bundled up against the cold, mercifully still zonked out.

"Oh, honey, she’s beautiful. Congratulations," Donna turns towards Chris and touches her arm briefly. “How old is she?”

Chris has to smile again. “Thank you. Two months on the 24th.”

Donna looks back at the baby and marvels, “Those sweet cheeks.”

"She’s on her best behavior right now, trust me," Chris quips because she doesn’t know what else to say. “We had quite a morning.” Then she puts her hand back on the handlebar and resumes rocking the stroller.

Donna tears her gaze away from Ella, and for a moment Chris thinks she is going to give her a hug. Instead, Donna clasps her hands together in front of her chest, as if to reinforce a point. She is wearing red gloves.

“Are you with the tall, dark-haired fellow, the one I saw you with at the wake?”

Donna is good, she has to give her that. What little she remembers of the wake is another one of those memories that keep coming back to her.

“Yeah. David.”

Donna nods. “Tell him congratulations, too, will you? I’m really happy for you two, Chris.”

"I will. Thank you. It’s been a good year," she replies, almost more to herself than to Donna. “I really wish Charlie could have met her, though.”

She has no idea why she is sharing this with Donna.

Maybe it’s because except for Brian, all the way out in California, and Bridget, who loves and admires her grandpa, but never really knew him, Donna is the only tangible connection to her dad that Chris has left. One of the few people who knew Charlie as a person, not just an ex-cop who liked to drink and tell outrageous stories.

Sure, Charlie had friends. But between getting sober, and pregnant, and having a baby, Chris hasn’t been spending a lot of time at his old haunts anymore, and as a result she doesn’t talk to many of his buddies from the Force or the other regulars at Flannery’s and O’Shea’s and The Lucky Shamrock.

Seeing Donna again feels like looking into a dizzying kaleidoscope full of scenes from the past five years or so, all of them featuring Charlie, not all of them happy. The longer she talks to her, the more she feels compelled to say.

Donna looks at her with big, wet eyes. “I bet you do.”

“He would probably think that I’m crazy. Having a baby at my age.” Chris laughs nervously.

Donna makes an effort to catch her eye. “Chris, I know that your dad looked at you in a certain light. His Sergeant Daughter. But he always wanted to see you happy. And I know he would have loved that little girl.”

Chris nods and reaches into the stroller to adjust Ella’s blanket. There is nothing to adjust, really, but she is fighting tears again. Those damn hormones are still making her cry all the time. She has to swallow around the lump in her throat before she can speak. “Yeah, well. I guess some things aren’t meant to be.”

Donna puts her gloved hand on top of Chris’s on the handlebar. “Chris, I really wish things could have been different.”

She is not only talking about Charlie.

And suddenly Chris knows that if she is ever going to say it, now is the time. She finds that she has to focus on a spot right behind and to the left of Donna’s face to actually start speaking. But once the first words are out, it gets easier.

“Look, Donna. I- I know that when we last saw each other, and also before that, I was rude. I know I apologized already, back at the restaurant. But recently I’ve felt that maybe-, maybe that wasn’t enough. I need you to believe me that I am truly sorry. Sorry that I blamed you for what happened. I know that you loved Charlie, and that you did what you had to do. For yourself. And for him. I see that now. Letting him go was the only way. Hell, I couldn’t save him, either. And I tried so hard. For a very long time.”

She blows out a shaky breath.

“Honey-“

“No, wait. Please let me finish, okay? When I asked you to meet me last year, I did it because I was trying to make amends. As in the 12 steps. I’m- I’m in AA.” She pauses and looks at Donna very briefly and pointedly before shifting her gaze again.

“I’m not sure I told you that before. Charlie’s problem wasn’t just _his_ problem. I think you said it yourself: The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree. Well, you were right. But I’m better now.” She looks at the stroller. “And what I did and said last year, well, I think I should have said more and I’m sorry I walked away from you like that and that I never called when I said that I would. I’ve been wanting to set things right with you for a while now. I just never knew how.”

Donna’s eyes are brimming with tears. “Chris, honey. It’s okay. Really. All is forgiven. I’m glad to see that you’re doing well. And that you have your little girl.”

Chris gives Donna a pained smile and nods, unable to say anything. If she opens her mouth now, she will start sobbing.

“Alright. What do you say we put the past behind us?” Donna blinks her own tears away.

Chris takes a deep breath and croaks: “Okay.”

“Okay.” Donna smiles. “Listen. I realize that you’re probably busy. With the baby, and I’m guessing that you will be going back to work?”

“I go back in March.”

“But if you ever need to talk to someone? About Charlie? Someone who, well – who knew him, too? You have my number.”

“Maybe you would like to come on a walk with us sometime. You know, I think I will spend a lot of time doing that next spring. Probably the next couple of years.” Just then Ella stirs and starts making little squawking noises. Chris begins to push the stroller back and forth in order to simulate more movement.

Donna smiles brightly. “I would love to.”

“Okay.”

The other woman nods. “Chris, it was a very pleasant surprise running into you two here today. Really. I think you need to keep moving, and I have to be on my way, too. You have a merry Christmas with your family, and I will talk to you in the new year, alright?”

“Alright. Merry Christmas to you, too.”

Donna takes a step towards the stroller and looks inside one last time. “Bye-bye, Ella. Be good for your mom.”

“Bye, Chris.” And before Chris knows it, Donna has wrapped her in a quick, tight embrace and pressed a kiss to her cheek. Then she walks off into the gloomy December afternoon.

“Well, kid. I guess this is the closest thing to a grandma that you’re going to have”, Chris says to Ella as she sets the stroller into motion. “What do you say we get to know her a little?”

Ella squawks some more, but soon falls back asleep as Chris pushes the stroller around a frozen pond. Snow starts falling, and her hands go numb, but she doesn't mind. 

**Author's Note:**

> About Donna: She was a former Rockette who worked as a barmaid at The Lucky Shamrock, one of Charlie's favorite bars, and eventually became his girlfriend. In season 6, Charlie proposed to Donna, but she refused to marry him unless he stopped drinking - or at least acknowledged that he needed help.
> 
> Even before Charlie's death, Chris and Donna had a difficult relationship: At first, Chris seemed to be jealous of the new woman in her dad's life. Later, after Charlie had died, Chris blamed Donna for not standing by him through the tough times. In an episode called "Amends" late in season 7, Chris (who was coming to terms with her own drinking and had joined AA by this point) invited Donna to a restaurant to make amends as part of the 12 steps, but instead of having a conversation with her, she just rattled off a more or less sincere apology and then quickly left, saying she would be in touch.


End file.
